This week over coffee with a good friend only 6 days into the school year we found ourselves sobbing into our cups trying to work out how to achieve the schools homework expectations, whilst also considering selling bodily organs to afford the usual swimming, school dinner, school trips costs!
It had been the week of 'meet the Teacher' where the poor staff have to talk to a room of parents who are either -
a) Already fed up/tired of the school run.
b) Over eager.
c) Have done it before and are there just to tick the sheet.
d) Silently panicking about how much work is involved!
They tell us about expectations, topics, make demands for said swimming money and have to do things like remind parents that uniform is best when it is named, all whilst wearing a smile on their face when I am sure underneath the calm they just want to shout "For the love of God people..."
And it was there in that room I decided that I could never be a teacher, which is funny because ever since I was 7 the only thing I have wanted to be was a Teacher. In fact I did go to University and I did get a 2:1 in my first year (I thank you) but due to them loosing my results circumstances I left.
But I have since decided that leaving Uni was the best thing that happened, not because I met the man stupid enough to live with me, but because I am 100% sure I would honestly have been bloody awful!
Here is why...
I don't like being told what to do.
Well that is not completely true, I do really and I am very organised, but I also like to get carried away and wing it. But gone are the days where you can make an igloo out of paper plates just 'because' the kids wanted to and then you backtrack to find a tedious link to get it into the curriculum somehow. Now it is so structured and slightly competitive and paper based and, well, dear God I would just suck!
Patience.
30!!! Class size is now 30. 30 children telling you simultaneously that Eddie has stuck bogie's in Sophie's hair, that their hamster has died (as they have told you every 5 minutes for the last 2 weeks) one is asking the same question you have answered 15 times already, whilst endless hands go up to ask to go to the loo, I could not do that smiley calm teacher face, in fact I am pretty sure I would have been sacked by now for telling them all to "just shut. the. fuck. up." I don't know how Teachers do it and I salute them, but as I have yet to actually see a teacher have a hot cup of coffee I am debating whether it is in fact just gin with food colouring in swirling in their mugs as the saunter out the staff room helping them pull through to 3:30!
Parents.
I don't think I actually ever considered this. 30 kids means 60 parents and we must drive them mad. I am not the best at tact, in fact the more nervous I am the more tactless I become and I am sure I would end up with a black eye after being slightly too honest at parents evening and that an awkward chat with the school Governors would follow and again... my sacking!
How do you tell parents politely to either a) just stop it, you kid is fine, in fact they are too smart and finding work to keep them entertained is exhausting or b) no really you need to help us here, you do not learn to read through osmosis or c) it's wonderful he think he will be a football player and I don't mean to be a dream smasher but everyone needs a back up plan, I would be rubbish!
OFSTED.
Like kryptonite to Superman - just the mere whiff of OFSTED in a 200 mile radius is enough to send schools due a visit into a state of panic! The planning of the panning that they planned with the panning is triple checked and the Meerkat like pose and sudden Fox like hearing is applied just in case the class door creaks open and someone sneaks in to 'observe'. I could not cope with that pressure at all. EVER.
Sarcasm.
I have found, mainly through having my own, kids don't get it. Yes, it may keep you slightly sane and is a fabulous tool with grown ups but it flies way over the kids heads! When Billy falls off the chair he was standing on head first into the book box and you say "Well that was a good idea" they tend to simply agree and copy, whilst you red faced have to explain that is not actually what you meant. My sarcasm button is often on a dangerously high setting so it would all end it tears. (again refers to tactfulness).
All in all, despite me believing it was my dream job, it is fair to say that in today's school environment I would simply not cope! Instead I will stick to my new goal, making a kids book that I can leave in the capable hands of the teachers ready to make children laugh (hopefully) and get lost in a world of imagination and silliness.
So Teachers, I tip my hat in your direction and an in awe at how you do it without wine on a IV drip by your side. Best of luck for the 2015 year - only about 35 teaching weeks to go!
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