To only wearing my Mum hat

It took a while to convince people I was doing the right thing.  "This is something you do for you, are you sure?" they asked. The Superman to my Wonder Woman would not let me make the decision until I had truly thought about it, double checking like everyone else it was right.

But it was.

In some ways it took courage to walk away for a bit, in others I was a coward for leaving something because I was simply not coping, yet it was something I needed to do for me and for the family as a whole.

My job rocks!  Many may not be so convinced that hanging out with small people a few days a week is fun but I love it.  Being webbed by Spiderman, being fed imaginary recipes of the most unusual kind, watching faces light up when I got to read Dr Seuss, making up stories and introducing 30 plus children to Super Potato (even hiding a naughty pea in one of the smallies jellies!)  My heart sings when I am surrounded by play dough and laughter and Princesses and Octonauts.

But work takes time - and as much as I like a challenge, my plate spinning last year simply sucked.

I did not follow up on things Dr's had missed for my child.

I did not have the energy to push harder when I needed to.

I did not look after myself when I should.

I did not seem to have the time or space for my son to talk openly and for me to see he was having friendship issues.

I was so busy chasing my tail, sorting, cleaning, cooking that I overlooked that my constant flitting about might have been a trigger for some of the problems we were facing.

So something had to change.

I took a chance and a big breath and I left.  It is not forever, as nothing is forever (I am still bank staff) but without too much fuss I just stopped at the end of the Summer term and started to focus on the us.

As a Mum with a small person with 'quirks' with more specialists than could fit in a mini bus and with half the rain forest sat in a cupboard in the form of notes, getting the right balance is well... as challenging as getting the incredible Hulk to take up cross stitch.  

I wanted to work. I wanted to be something other than a paper pusher and Dr hunter.  I needed to be re-grounded, to have a purpose and I was saved with a job that made me lighter and stronger and bought back the day to day routine I had missed for years.  It was a gift.

But children never stay the same.  They change, their needs change, things get harder, things get easier, the balance continually shifts and decisions you made which were right at the time may now be off kilter.

And now, despite wearing my pants regularly on the outside, it was apparent that 3 years on from becoming a working Mum I was not coping.

6 weeks into the school term I see it was the right thing to do.  The house seems calmer, homework is easier and we have finally completed a maths target that is 2 years old!  The challenges are the same, the paperwork if anything feels greater than ever - but I feel I have space to breathe and time to think, I can reflect a little - be proactive not reactive.

I feel lighter.

I am running again - left, right, left, right, feet crashing on to the footpaths with my music in my ears.  Lost.  Free.  Thinking things through, feeling stronger and happier, though I am turning into one of those morning drop off Lycra wearing mums which I am not proud of!  I have set myself my own challenge I have time now, a personal goal.  12 months to get to a Marathon distance.  12 months to train and get fit and know there is an end goal that is mine alone.  That feels special.

But nothing lasts forever.

This is how I feel right now sat with a lukewarm glass of sauvignon blanc because the fridge is buggered, with a child snoring upstairs after sharing 2 chapters of his book at bedtime.

In 2 months it might be different, I may be climbing the walls begging to be allowed to join in with painting and gluing and being a superhero again.

That is then though, and this is now.  And right now... I think this is the best we can be.