Worthy

I don't know how it happened,

The date or time I'm unsure,

But with every roll of sadness,

My flame died a little more.

I seem to laugh a lot less now,

I find it hard to write,

My thoughts often feel muggy,

I keep them inside, wound up tight.

It's a forever kind of tired,

Like an aching in your bones,

Every step can feel an effort,

Like your shoes are filled with stones.

Being grateful is exhausting,

Being sad just feels unjust,

Feeling robbed yet being thankful,

Feeling permanently crushed.

Learning to accept his complexities,

Putting on your Mum mask,

Feeling guilty for your unhappiness,

For a path he also did not ask.

Watching others celebrate joy,

One you will never understand,

From a wiggly healthy belly bump,

To toddler first steps holding hands.

Oh to take that journey on your own,

With no sideline medical crowd.

Feelings that make you feel ashamed,

They taste bitter when said aloud.

So I tuck them in my back pocket,

Fold them clean away,

Brush them like crumbs from a table mat,

These things I must never say.

Because what right do I have to feel like this?

To feel that I deserved more,

When grief and sorrow lie silently,

Behind every closed door.

We never compare happiness like this,

Yet with sadness we hold different rules,

It needs to be justified, you question yourself,

Will your heavy heart make me look like a fool?

But I cannot ignore it any longer,

I need to look grief in the face,

Let the tears flow to feel stronger once more...

Let my light take the darkness' place.